The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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