god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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