Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
