I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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