Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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