I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
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I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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