god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
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Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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