We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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