just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
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The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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