I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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