hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
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I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
this is an emotional support booty call
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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