There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
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Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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