The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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