if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
