I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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