i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize