and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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