it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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