I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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