How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
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I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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