If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
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Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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