he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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