We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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