so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
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theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
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Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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