if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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