I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
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I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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