i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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