the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
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she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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