Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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