Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
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somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
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I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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