I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize