Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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