had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize