tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
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Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
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I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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