your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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