Soap is not a condiment
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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