the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
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when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
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ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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