i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
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And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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