There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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