I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
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Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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