I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
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I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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