I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize