I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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