either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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