i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
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I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
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I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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