I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
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Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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