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i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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