So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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