My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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