I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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