well I can't set my house on fire every night
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
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I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We left the knife in your bed.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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