just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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