Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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